I like you so much better than my real friends!

In case you don’t already know, I’m Alisa. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. Which are huge. They’ll crack you the fuck up. The cards, I mean. And my boobs, well, they’re pretty fuckin’ fantastic too. Keep readin’ and you’ll see pictures.

I came up with this card last year, inadvertantly, at a Guns For Babies meeting.

Guns For Babies was an Art Support Group. There were about a dozen of us Babies, and we met once a week, to make art and talk shit, and try make each other pee our pants from laughter. We were for trading guns for babies. We were for giving babies guns. We were, however, firmly against bullets. Most of us still are.

I started Guns For Babies because I was busting my ass to sell enough cards to make rent, and I wanted to meet some other people who sell their art for a living. That didn’t happen. I made a lot of really great friends, and we had some groovy craft parties. It’s hard to sling art in order get by, and most people rely on a day job for the rent. I am not as smart as most people. To this day, I’ve only ever met another girl in Portland who loves selling her shit as much as she loves making it: Betsy The Great. She would have loved Guns For Babies.

We were sitting at my kitchen table, talking about sex, which is most of what we talked about at GFB meetings. Flynn was playing with Shrinky Dink’s, Krista was laminating faux-wood panelling to her cell phone, in an effort to make it look more cheesy, Claire was painting flowers on my lap-top. We were all laughing. We were all really stoned. And it just dropped out of my mouth. I was so embarassed. I mean, is that insulting? I couldn’t tell. Either way, Flynn wrote it down, and it went in jar where we put the funny things that we said. It takes me a long time to realize that something is funny, not just to me, but to the world at large. So it sat in the Funny Jar for a year before I tried it out. But the kids at the bar laughed at it, and bought it. So I decided to give it to the world. You’re welcome!

If you want me to come up with a custom card for ya, I can do that anytime. But especially on Sunday. Me and Betsy The Great are having a Snarky Cards and Sexy Jewelry Show at her studio: 1722 NW Raleigh St. Ste 104 Portland, OR. We’ll be laughing and selling from 1pm to 9pm, . You’re all invited! There’ll be wine and nosh-y-nosh and I’ll have my typewriter out and ready to make your life more uncomfortable with some specific Brutal Honesty. And Betsy’s sexy Jewelry will be Buy 1 get 1 half off!

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