For those of you who don’t know, I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. They will crack you the fuck up. This is my website, where I write about Snarky Cards, and my life selling them. I hope I crack you the fuck. But this post is mostly whining.
Today is a terrible, no-good, very bad, horrible day. Today I had to give up my rotary phone. I love my rotary phone. NO, I did not get a cell phone, a choice which is retarded and archaic, as some of you fuckers have pointed out to me. I simply switched my service from Qwest to Clear, saving me $50 a month. No, this is not a commercial. I’m simply trying to justify not having a rotary phone anymore. And 50 bucks seems like a shitty consolation prize right now, but when I’m busting my ass to pay my bills next week, it’ll seem like a reasonable thing to do.
I love that goddamn phone. I do. It’s really, really loud. It’s the only thing that wakes me up. It scares the fuck out of my cats. And I can use a pen to dial it. Just like a Sexy Secretary in all those 30′s and 40′s movies. It made me feel like a dead movie star, having that phone.
So, now I’ve taken a giant leap into the 80′s! And the rotary is no more. Now I’ve moved in the cordless of the 90′s. And I can’t say I’m feeling better about myself. Now I don’t feel like any kind of movie star, dead or alive. I just feel…. ordinary. Which is, as you know, one of the scariest feelings EVER. My Aunt Judy once said “I’d rather die than be common.” And you know, I’m feeling pretty common right now. That’s not a suicidal statement, it’s just me, being petulant.
I don’t know why you fuckers are so pleased with yourselves. This new technology is nothing to brag about. And it’s not like I didn’t have a cordless before. I just liked having both. Just like I have a kick-ass website and a working typewriter. I’m not a complete Luddite, I just like to mix it up. And now there’s no mixing.
As a tribute to you fuckers who have embraced the now, and are not whining about your lack of rotary phone, I give you: The Facebook Status Card. I hope you enjoy it. Stupid technology. Making all this possible.