All hail to the Cunt, the mighty and blessed Vagina.

Dude, I had this serious girl-power moment at the bus stop Friday. It was about 7pm and I was waiting on Hawthorne and 39th, for the 75 bus, so I could go home, and keep working my ass off, getting together this display for The Portland Rose Festival.

A guy and girl sit at the neighboring bench. The girl has headphones on, and the guy is trying to get her attention. “I know I’m just a drunk mother-fucker but I bet if you took YOUR HEADPHONES OFF I’d say something more interesting than that song you’ve heard 65 TIMES!” He roared at her. I looked over, nervously. She was staring straight ahead, looking for the bus. Completely still.

Shit. If she doesn’t know this guy, I’m going to save her. Better than re-visiting this religious freak-show. I thought. “Hey! I’m talking to you! You SHOULD GIVE ME A CHANCE!” He yelled, inching towards her.

I looked up from my book. “Ohmygod! I exclaimed, getting her attention. Her head swung around to me. Her eyes were wide, and she was giving me the Universal Girl Look of “Get Me Away From Him!” I motioned for her to come sit with me. She jumped next to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you sitting there!” She gushed, and we started making those cooing noises girls make at each other when they’re happy to see each other. She grabbed my necklace and I touched her hair. Both of us saying “How pretty!” Or something inane. The drunk guy swaggered over to us, and yelled “I WOULD HAVE SLEPT WITH YOU!!!” I glared at him, as he hobbled away, and across the street. “Thank you so much.” she whispered as we watched him cross. I smiled and we congratulated ourselves on our impeccable ability to read each other.

As I was walking home later, having been safely delivered to 39th and Powell, near where I live, I realized that this is a girl thing. Girls need each other to get out of scary/bad/uncomfortable situations. I knew what to do, and when to do it, because I’m a Chick, and 30 years of being a chick means that I know how to deal with guys who are scary or loud or mean or threatening.

If it had been a guy, who was being harassed by Drunk Evil Guy, and I’d tried to help, that guy wouldn’t have gotten my shorthand. I would have said “Hey! It’s so nice to see you again!” and he would have been like “I don’t know you.” and gone back to trying to deal with Drunk Evil Guy on his own. I tried to imagine a situation where boys would have codes, and help each other out, but I couldn’t. Which seems kinda sad. And lonely.

your-vagina-hurts-huh I felt pretty good about myself. And I felt good about that girl I helped. And I was glad that I’m a Chick and we have shorthand, and we can protect each other.  It was one of those days where my Hoo-Haa made me feel powerful and smart. So here is a Snarky Card for the Vagina in your life. And remember: Chicks rock because we’re better than you.

3 thoughts on “All hail to the Cunt, the mighty and blessed Vagina.

  • May 24, 2009 at 10:20 pm
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    That’s an awesome story of you being righteous! Good job, Alisa!

    Nice hustle out there!

  • May 31, 2009 at 10:41 pm
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    Dude. So, I hate to piss on your girl-power parade, but something similar happened to me, only it was a dude who rescued me.
    Once upon a time at Burning Man there was this hobo who wouldn’t stop talking to me and following me around. Don’t ask me how a hobo got to Burning Man, because I don’t know. I have been asking myself the same question for three years. I was too polite to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. Then my friend David Zemke noticed what was happening and said “Hey Rebecca, can I talk to you over here for a minute?” and pulled me away. It’s not exactly the same because he already knew me, and wasn’t rescuing a stranger, but some dudes are perceptive and will do similar things in similar situations. So don’t be such a man-hater! 🙂

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