If I sound a little retarded, it’s because I’m tired. I’ve been painting my ass off, instead of sleeping, trying to get everything all ready so that I can be on my game tomorrow. I’ll be there, next to St. Christopher, and we will offer you delightful and exciting art. I’ll have new Snarky Cards, Old Snarky Cards, Blank Snarky Cards, my typewriter (Bob) and I’ve started painting my cards on very large canvasses, which I will also have for sale.
“Have you made out with anyone lately?” St. Christopher asked me today, when I called to finalize our Last Thursday plans. “No. But it might be time to get a little make-out on,” I said, trying to remember who the last person I made-out with was.
Last Saturday night some girlfriends and I formed a roving girl-gang, and sometime around last-call, they started ordering boys to motorboat me. After they had all motor-boated me, they wanted someone to motor-boat each one of them. Which of course, led to a straight-girl-on-girl make-out scene. However, since I don’t make-out with girls anymore, I didn’t get much action.
After the first 4 times they made this cute boy motor-boat me, they started getting specific. “Now lick your lips first.” Candace ordered, watching the boy carefully and nodding as he did it. It was a little like doing live porn. I kept saying the phrase “Group-forced mating.” And then laughing butchly (because Betsy The Great told me recently that my laugh is “too butch for me to keep my hair so short.” I was taken aback “Is that why all the straight cute guys think I’m a lesbian?” I asked. She nodded. I laughed so hard I fell over. “See,” she pointed at me, nodding. “That’s what I’m talking about.”) as Cute-Boy-Travis dove again into my 6 inches of cleavage, trying to appease Candace with his technique.
And when I finally turned to him and asked if he wanted to make-out, he said “Sure!” and he closed his eyes, and stuck his tongue out, and started wiggling it around while slowly moving his face towards mine. He kept missing my face. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t count as action. But I’m also pretty sure I’ll be getting some this weekend maybe. Later, as they dropped me off, The Cool Girls (we’re working on a better name) agreed to share Cute Boy Travis, if he comes to our party this weekend.
But my recent post about Ian Tracey Sleep Orgasms leads me to believe that I’ll probably need to get action sooner than that. Sometimes a girl needs some contact, ya know? It doesn’t bother the Vagina Spiders any if I throw some cute boy up against a wall for a few minutes. Maybe I can’t wait until Saturday, and tomorrow, I’ll have all day in the sun to get stoned and flirt with cute boys and figure out who my next make-out is gonna be. This card is for all of you fuckers who have a built in system for getting laid (you know, a partner). I made it for those of you lucky enough to find a big cock attached to a man you can stand. I hope you like!
If you want more, find me and St. Christopher down at Last Thursday tomorrow. We’ll be as near to The Mash-Tun as I can get us. You’ll be able to find us easy, just listen for the sounds of a really butch laugh accompanied by a typewriter. And look for paintings that look like Heaven, if God busted open a 64 set of crayola all over that bitch.