About a year ago, I was in San Francisco, hanging out with my ex-fake-husband, Steve, and The Bexter. The three of us were watching Steve’s car get washed, because old friends can do boring shit together and it’ll still turn out fun. I was showing off my newest Snarky Cards, and Steve was intermittently laughing and nodding, and The Bexter was wrinkling her nose. After the car was almost all the way through the magical machine, I got annoyed. “You don’t like my cards?” I demanded. “Well, they’re mean.” She said. “I can’t believe people actually give them to each other. I would never seriously give one of those to someone else.” I was astounded, and a little pissed off. Steve stayed out of it, trying to make neutral comments for the rest of the afternoon. We bickered about it for over an hour, and since then it’s been a (small) point of contention between The Bexter and I. And, that’s OK. We’ve been friends for 16 years, we can argue one point for a year or two, until one of us gives in. And look! The Bexter gave in! She just sent me this story for your perusal.
So I met this dude on the internet, like you do, because it’s 2009. During the course of our email bantering, this young suitor mentioned that he liked to drink a fair amount, and also that his bicycle had been stolen. When the time came for us to meet in person, a flash of inspiration struck! I took the snarky card off my bulletin board that said “Dear___, I’m sorry I stole your bike. You were drunk. And I had to get away from you.” It was perfect! I wrote in our names and tucked it into my purse. When I met him at the bar, I told him I had a first date present for him, but warned him “You are either going to think this is funny, and think I am the most hilarious chick ever, or else you aren’t going to think it’s funny, in which case it will be awkward.”
Then I handed him the card. He thought it was funny, and we have been dating every since. Thanks Alisa Starr, for making my awkward internet date a little more bearable!
Isn’t that awesome? I made something rad happen in her Vagina. And I can make something rad happen in yours too!