As some of you may know, I’m Alisa Starr and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.
Last week, I realized that I had sold 17,993 Snarky Cards, since I’ve started. Most of those I’ve sold in Portland, Oregon, where I live. And you can tell. There aren’t very many bars, coffee shops or refrigerators left in Portland that aren’t marred by a Snarky Card or two. I think I might have saturated the market. And I’m getting that itchy feeling. I wanna go somewhere where my cards and my boobs are new.
So, I went to Eugene. This isn’t totally out of the blue, my little sister Shannon lives in Eugene, she’s going to be an architect. She’s the only one out of the four of us to get a degree, and I’ve never visited her. I know that sounds harsh, but she comes to Portland to hang out every other month, and I never really felt like I could leave. But now, all I’m doing is thinking about leaving. So, I splurged the $22 for the bus ticket down to our state capital.
When I got to Eugene the bus stopped in front of Buffulo Exchange, where I promptly tromped in with my Snarky Cards and asked if they would like to carry them. The cute girls at Buffalo Exchange were delighted, and they bought 60 Snarky Cards for their store.
Later, that night, Shannon and her girlfriend, Jen took me out to the bars to sell. It was awesome! I sold a lot of cards, and I met a lot of people, and I flirted with cute boys. The boys of Eugene are pretty rad, funny, smart, and not at all weird, like they are in Portland. My mind was blown with the make-out possibilities!
On Saturday, I went around to some stores in The Whittaker. Which is the independent, cool, hipster area of Eugene. In other words: It’s the part of Eugene that looks like Portland.
We started with Olive Juice. Which is this KICK-ASS party store! They have wigs, mustaches, cocktails sets, and boost-i-ae’s! It’s like, they stock everything you could ever want, in order to be the life of the party! Obviously, being a booze-focused party store, they went ape-shit over my cards, and you can now find Snarky Cards nestled amongst the coolness that is Olive Juice.
I only brought two display boxes, and I got nervous that maybe I’d need more. So, Shannon got out her paints, and handed me some cardboard, and I went to town making some more. Eventually I roped her and her room-mate Dana into helping me get the cardboard all prepped for painting. It was like my own little sweatshop! I’ve always dreamed of my own sweatshop.My heart melted at the site of them.
Afterwards I went selling at the bars Saturday night. The kids in Eugene seemed to dig me, and I sold a lot of Snarky Cards, and I talked to a lot of cute bartenders. I smoked some weed and I flirted with some cute boys. On Sunday, Shannon wrangled Jen and some cute girls they’re friends with, and we all went to The River to swim. It was really fun. Well, except that these girls are all about ten years younger than me, and thought nothing of bounding down steep ravines into said river. And my poor leg, still feels a little stuck and broken. And so I got stuck, and I felt a little old.
But that’s the price for not dying; feeling your age. And they were so young and beautiful and enthusiastic, it was hard not to get caught up in their excitement. I think it stirred something up in me, though. Maybe it was their easy laughter, or maybe it was just that I’d already noticed The Boys Of Eugene; they flirt easier than The Boys Of Portland. They show unabashed interest. They don’t seem as fucking depressed as Portland Boys either. That night, I went out selling in the bars of Eugene one last time with a mission. I was going to get fucking laid. And I did. I met a really cute boy, who didn’t have a hard time cleaning the spiders out of my Vagina, in his sexy station wagon.
All in all, it was the best trip I’ve ever taken to such a small town. I heart Eugene. And I think Eugene hearts me!