My name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.
Here’s one of my new favorites: Happy Birthday! (not an) Asshole! For the friend you thought was going to turn out to be a total dick. But, in the end, they surprised you by becoming a regular, semi-nice person.
I usually do said bar selling in Portland, where I live. But this week, I’m doing it in San Francisco. I got here yesterday, and so far I’ve had a great time. Tonight, at The Revolution Cafe, I got all three of my girlfriends to drink beer and bond with each other. These are The Rad Bitches: KT, Arlette, and Claire. I’ve been trying to get these girls in a room together for years. I secretly think of them all as The Super-Friends, and I’d really like for us to have our own Hall Of Justice to chill in, between taking over the world with our amazing super-powers. Today we made great strides towards that Hall Of Justice.
I’m in San Francisco because while I love Portland, I need to cheat on it with SF every few months in order to realize how much I love Portland. You know what I mean? Like, I cheat on Portland with The City, and then, after a little while of Doing It with SF, I’ll be like “You know what? This is good, but it’s not as good as Doing It with Portland. Maybe because I have all these feelings for Portland…? And while the sex is better with The City, we just don’t have that history, or the common values, and I don’t see us being together the same way.”
So, I’m here, loving every minute of the dirty, crowded, business-obsessed, tall shiny buildings. It’s not just all this concrete that makes my heart sing (Nature is for suckers!). Or the six people who live here who have loved me since I was bat-shit-fucking crazy (Lauren, Steve, Claire, The Bexter, Arlette, and KT). It’s the easy witt, the sexy boys, the gorgeous fags, and the flirting, oh god, the flirting…..
Portland boys do not ever, as a rule, show open, wanton interest in women. I don’t know why. But they don’t. And here, they start it. And they keep it up. And then, tonight, I realized, that that’s not all! This hot, witty flirting that keeps happening to me could go somewhere at any moment. In short, the men here seem to like women, and themselves and they have sexual confidence. I forgot what it’s like to be around men like that. They openly stare at my titts here. And it feels so good. And now, my best bitches are slowly moving to form The Justice League of My Dreams. My heart is full.
So, tonight, Claire and Arlette, and KT all drank their asses off, at The Revolution Cafe, talking about their business plans and their relationships, and knitting and sewing projects, and making arrangements to do business together and generally rule the world.
This Saturday, from 10am to 5pm, I’ll be at Tour De Fat, in Golden Gate park, with my typewriter (Bob) selling my Snarky Cards, and making custom cards for anyone who wants one. Come by and get your Snark On! And drink yummy beer! And ride crazy bikes!