For those of you who don’t know, my name is Alisa Starr, and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up. But I haven’t been going to any bars in the last week. I haven’t been going anywhere the last week, because I’ve been slowly dying from Bird Flu. I know all the cool kids have swine flu right now, but I’m old school. And besides, birds are creepier, and I believe that they could do this to me. When I think of pigs I either go to Wilbur or the parable of the man who threw pearls at swine.
Or maybe he was supposed to throw pearls at swine and then Jesus stopped him? Or maybe he wasn’t real, he was just a story Jesus told about how you shouldn’t throw pearls at swine? Anyway, those three elements were in some sort of Sunday school lesson that I didn’t learn: Jesus, pearls and swine. I think if I ever knew the story, I got distracted because I didn’t want the pigs to choke on the pearls. That was, clearly, when I was a little girl, and hadn’t seen Deadwood yet, and didn’t realize that pigs can eat people’s bones, effectively covering up a murder. I’m not saying that I wish I’d seen Deadwood as a little girl, but I wish I’d known that as a little girl, because I love murder mysteries, and I love plotting the perfect murder, and that information would have come in really, really handy, when I was, like, 8.
Anyway, so I’ve got bird-flu. And I’ve been so convinced of my imminent death that yesterday, I started doling out the cats and my Janis Ian CD’s to my more responsible friends. So, I haven’t been selling my wares in bars, or really, anywhere. I’ve been too busy trying to breathe without hacking up my lungs, and my wild and crazy moments were mostly about me eating cheese. Which I know I shouldn’t do, but I had it in my refrigerator, and I was hungry, and I love cheese, and it didn’t make me cough so hard I wanted to die for too long.
Speaking of which: food. As some of you might have heard, Arlette, my favorite computer goddess, added a donation button to my website. It’s on your right side. And if you love reading my blog, or looking at my cards, kicking me a few bucks can help me keep on, keeping on. Thanks to Aunt Julie and Barbara! I got to eat the last few days. See, if I don’t go out and work every day, I don’t have money to buy luxuries like food. And since I couldn’t leave the house, those donations saved my life. So, if you like reading the shit I write, please hit the donation button. I’ll be thanking everyone who donates in my blog, and letting you know what I did with the money.
In the next month, in addition to food, I’d like to buy a scanner, so I can get my newest cards online to you. And some blank canvasses so that I can start making more Snarky Paintings! I’d also like to give my cats some worm medicine. Yes, you can help important things happen in in my cats asses!
In Conclusion: here is the latest Snarky Card, online, for your pleasure. I hope you enjoy, and it helps you confront a friend about her addiction to her baby, which has wrongfully replaced her addiction to alcohol.