My name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I usually sell them in bars, from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up. However, I haven’t been to the bars lately. I’ve had the flu. The crazy flu everyone else has. And I am not calling it Swine Flu, because I like Swine.
So I’ve been stuck at home, coughing and sleeping and painting and knitting for the last six days. And today I had enough. So I went down to Rock ‘n’ Rose and delivered two new paintings that I made while I was desperately ill. “Love you For Always” is my best girlfriend to girlfriend card. Or, you know, fag-hag to fag card. Or fag to fag card. Basically the only people who I don’t expect to want or need this card are straight guys. I have never seen a straight guy buy this as a card. And I don’t expect a straight guy to buy it as a painting.So, bitches! This shit is for you.
The other painting I brought to Rock ‘n’ Rose is “It’s not You, It’s me”. This is one of my most popular cards of all time. It’s the most amazing rejection I’ve ever written. It always sells like crazy. I made it as a painting for the Roller-Derby Girls, who have been asking me for it for months. I hope you like it girls!
Rock ‘n’ Rose also still has “My Fake-Mom!” I made the card for my Aunt Judi. And it doesn’t sell very often, but when it does, it’s totally awesome. The girl or guy who buys the card is super excited because they never find the right card for their Step-Mom or their adopted Mom, or their Aunt. And my card is the closest thing they’ve found. And I love hearing about these women who don’t have any biology invested, but are good at loving just the same.
So I make the card, and and every couple of weeks, someone finds it, and gets excited, and I get to hear this really beautiful story. I’m hoping the same thing will happen with the painting. I hope that you or someone like you squeals and says “This is the perfect painting for my Aunt-Step-Mom-Adopted-Mom-friend’s-Mom!” Because I have a Fake Mom. And she is amazing. The best part about her is that she has no reason to be completely invested in me. She just loves me because I’m me. Also: she’s hilarious, she has the most audacity I’ve ever seen in a person, she marries often and drinks a lot and lets other people make mistakes, and she has too many cats, and she leaves things cleaner than she finds them. Aunt Judi Rocks.
All those paintings are available at Rock ‘n’ Rose. There’s one painting that is online, that you can buy directly from me. “The Painful Vagina”. I hope it helps you apologize for the pain in someone else’s Vagina. Whether you caused it by deep-dicking her to death, or you’re just tired of your friend bitching about her life, or you have a friend with a genuinely huge, hard period, that rips her Vagina apart every month, this is the perfect present for someone whose Vagina Hurts Today.