My name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.
Usually, I sell my wares in Portland. But for the last few days I’ve been staying at my sister’s house in Seattle. My sister’s been out of town, in somewhere called Detroit. This has left me time alone to hone my Snarky Card Skills. Somehow, just being somewhere else makes it easier to work. I’m starting to understand the upside on creating an office, so that home and work are different.
Also: Joy has cable. So, I got to watch 3 hours of Law & Order while eating chocolate chips which had been fused together by the freezer so completely, that I had to put a giant mass of chocolate chip in my mouth, letting it sit there and warm up. And afterwards, as I sat back and watched Jack McCoy destroy lives with his own special brand of justice with melted chocolate chips all over my contented face. It’s like sex without all of the problems of getting a guy you no longer need out of your apartment afterwards.
I have lots of Jewish friends, and every year, they get pissed when I ask them what they’re doing for Christmas. It never gets old. It just becomes a bit that amuses only me. I made this card so that they, and other people who are just as fruastrated with their thoughtless friends, would have their revenge.
I haven’t had Christmas with my family for the last 8 years. Because they’re crazy. And boring. And they don’t drink enough. And they make shitty food. And I can’t say “shitty” in front of them without someone getting weird, because (Surprise! Surprise!) they’re religious!
So, for the last 8 years, I have tried out other people’s families. Every time I’m at someone else’s house for Christmas, an amazing array of feelings washes over me. I’m grateful to be included. I’m happy that I can be myself, without anyone giving me a dirty look. I’m excited about the food, and the jokes and the amazing people I’m celebrating with.
And at some point, the scale tips and the family drama comes out, and I’m grateful all over again that I don’t have to live with whatever family has been kind enough to include me.
So: this card is for all those people who have been kind enough to include me in their celebration, and given me presents, and treated me like I belonged to them. Thank you for loving me like I was one of your own!
And, finally, there’s Get Fucked Cunty! Which is one of my favorite of all the Christmas Cards. I made it for Kay. Who asked me to make it. Because she loves her bitches. And her bitches love the word cunty.
Merry Christmas everyone!