For those of you who don’t know, my name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars, from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. Which are huge. They will crack you the fuck up. Not my boobs, they will tittmitize you. The Snarky Cards will crack you the fuck up.
Lately it seems like the highs and lows of my life happen all at once. In the last two months, I’ve started to feel like my life is much bigger roller-coaster than ever before. It’s hard to figure out how to feel about it all, because everything changes so quickly, and my emotions are slow and laborious. And it seems like I’m always stuck on the last thing that happened to me. Instead of enjoying the now. Especially if that last thing was negative, and the now is positive. It’s hard to find the chocolate, when it’s embedded in the shit sandwich in front of you. Or maybe it’s hard to eat chocolate after you just had a shit sandwich?
Like, three months ago, I came back from California to find that one of the coffee shops that carry my cards had closed. Without telling me. And without paying for the stock I’d left there on consignment. I was blinded by my rage, at them, and at me, for not seeing this coming. -And if you know any of the guys who used to own Chance of Rain Coffee Shop, tell them I’d like my cards or my money, please. (Yeah, I’m still a little pissed).
I spent the next few days worked myself into an angry frenzy. Nothing could convince me that this wasn’t a sign that I’m a shitty business person, who makes shitty business decisions. More than that, it was the fact that these guys who had sold my cards for years couldn’t so much as email or call me to tell me that they were closing the shop and did I want my Snarky Cards back? It was a violation. And it made me feel bad about myself and bad about them. And impotent. I couldn’t find them. I didn’t have their phone numbers, I tried finding them online, but it’s easy to ignore someone’s email. It’s hard to ignore a phone call. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop feeling mad. And that made me more mad.
The next day, I got a wholesale order from a store in Brooklyn, NY. But I was still so mad at Chance of Rain, this order didn’t assuage the impotence and rage I felt when I walked up to Chance of Rain and saw the closed sign. It took me a while to let go of being angry at those communist-cafe owners.
So it took me weeks to realize that Shag, The Brooklyn store who bought my cards for their grand opening is a much bigger, better deal than my continued business relationship with that coffee shop. And it’s OK if those hippie, anarchist dicks left town without telling me (although, those dude still owe me money, so if you see any of them, please ask for my money back. Or maybe discreetly shit on them).
In fact, Shag’s buying Snarky Cards makes them bi-coastal! That means that I can make something happen in other people’s vaginas on every coast of the country, ultimately bringing me a great deal closer to world domination. Which has been my plan all along. in case you can’t tell. So after a week or two of recovery time, I went around preening, telling people offhandedly “Oh, yeah and Snarky Cards are selling in New York now. Oh. Didn’t I tell you? Yeah, a sexy store in Brooklyn bought them.” I tried to be subtle but I’m really bad at subtle. It didn’t matter, my friends were thrilled that I’d gotten my cards that far into the world.
And Shag rocks. I couldn’t afford to go to New York for their opening, but they’ve gotten great reviews (note the pics of Snarky Cards right before the pics of the vibrators!) on and offline. They’re a swanky sex boutique.
Early next year, Swag’s owners are planning on launching their own line of organic homemade lubricant, made with all natural products and no added preservatives. A condom gumball machine is in the works too. And they do casting. Which means that you can go into their store with your partner and have a cast made of his or her sexy parts, so that you can make a sex toy shaped exactly like the one you love. How cool is that? I’m so excited that I’m affiliated with such a swanky, innovative shop! They’re like Good Vibrations and a sexy art studio all in one. All in all, it kinda seems like the perfect place for Snarky Cards. And now I have a reason to visit New York!
So in the end, after my stomach turns a little bit, when the roller coaster of my life slows down, I find that everything is a little bit better than it was before all the ups and downs. So I’m trying to take a deep breath, and enjoy the ride.I’m trying to have faith that it will all turn out right in the end. And what’s better for faith than a room full of vibrators? So, thanks Shag for giving me an upside, and saving the day!