Vagina Feelings

Dear Internets,

See? They're huge! And they help me pay my rent.

I’ve going out to bars selling a lot lately. For those of you who don’t know, I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. And lately, the bars have been seeing a lot of me. And I’ve been seeing a lot of them. And there have been some cute boys, and flirting, and I’ve made a bunch of money, helping me pay my electric bill and keeping my cats in food. So, thanks Portland!

Oh yeah. And guess what, internets? I’ve decided to stop having sex! Forever. Just kidding! I’m going to try to go a month. A month that will feel like forever. I know, I’ve said this before. And some cute boy (or my period) would usually come along and screw up my resolution. But I figure if I keep trying to quit having sex with strangers, over and over again, eventually I’ll get it. At least, that’s how my business manager quit smoking. She just kept quitting. I figure if it worked for cigarrettes, it can work for anonymous sex, right?

See? I'd like to give this to someone. Someday. Maybe soon. Ish. I'm embarassed about this. But I'm glad that I can come out to you, internets. Thanks for understanding about my Vag having feelings.

OK, so here are the rules: flirting and making-out is ok. But making-out is a maximum. You might be asking yourself “What the fuck is Alisa’s problem? Why is she putting herself through this?” You might also be asking yourself “Why do I care what happens in Alisa’s Vagina?” I don’t know why you care what happens in my Vagina. I just know that I’m compelled to tell you what’s happening in my Vagina. But I can tell you why I’m going to turn perfectly awesome hook-up potentials into high school make-out sessions.

See, when I wasn’t looking, some monster jerry-rigged my feelings to my Vag. So now, while I can still have awesome sex with boys I meet at bars, I find myself wishing it was more than a one night stand when I get home in the morning. I keep finding myself wallowing in regret. So, I’ve decided to try not to have any more one night stands for a while. This is going to be hard, since random hook-ups have been my primary dating experience for the last couple of years. But it looks like I don’t have a choice. And I promise you this, internets,  if I find the fucker that hooked up my feelings to my Hoo-Haa, I’m going to beat the living shit out of them.

Or Hell, I'd even like to deserve this card again. I kinda just wanna take a chance on somebody, you know? Even if they might suck.

I feel really validated by the fact that Dr. Mc Steamy from “Doctors who cry in Seattle” (also known as Grey’s Anatomy) is having this very same epiphany right now about his penis. It’s like our genitals are acting in concert. Although, these are his fake genitals, and they’re my real genitals. So, not really. But his fake-epiphany still validates my real one. Which is yet another example of television working to make my life better.

I think I’m headed back to San Francisco sometime next week, for Passover. Until then, I’ve been loading up the internet with new Snarky Cards, for your pleasure. Some of which, are displayed above. I hope you like the new cards. And thanks for understanding about my new Vaginal status.

Love,

Alisa

8 thoughts on “Vagina Feelings

  • April 17, 2010 at 4:07 pm
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    See, when I wasn’t looking, some monster jerry-rigged my feelings to my Vag

    so true–and smart–and annoying
    Maybe you can pick up a vibrator and a really wonderful dildo and then you’ll just fall in love with yourself and your mad skills.

    Also–do you wholesale your cards?
    they’re lovely.

  • April 18, 2010 at 5:56 pm
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    Thanks for saying I’m true and smart, and agreeing that my Vagina developments have become annoying.
    I do have a couple of vibrators, not much for the dildo’s I’m afraid, and while my skills are mad, you still want contact once in a while, you know?

    And, yes, I do wholesale my cards! Thanks for asking! I’ll email you with pricing etc!

  • May 31, 2010 at 5:18 pm
    Permalink

    See, when I wasn’t looking, some monster jerry-rigged my feelings to my Vag

    so true–and smart–and annoying
    Maybe you can pick up a vibrator and a really wonderful dildo and then you’ll just fall in love with yourself and your mad skills.

    Also–do you wholesale your cards?
    they’re lovely.

  • June 8, 2010 at 2:37 am
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    Hi, I’m very interested in Linux but Im a Super Newbie and I’m having trouble deciding on the right distribution for me (Havent you heard this a million times?) anyway here is my problem, I need a distribution that can switch between reading and writing in English and Japanese (Japanese Language Support) with out restarting the operating system.

  • June 8, 2010 at 5:26 pm
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    I use Liunx because I hate firewalls. And I’d like to never pay for “virus protection” ever again. I actually kinda think that virus protection is a scam, that Windows must be in on. And I wanted to take myself out of that drama.
    But I’m not a programmer. I just hate paying goons protection money.
    So I have no idea what you’re talking about.
    But you might be able to find answers to your linux questions at http://www.linuxquestions.org
    Those fuckers seem to know what they’re talking about.

  • June 8, 2010 at 5:28 pm
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    I totally wholesale my cards!
    I’ll email you specific information!
    Thanks for asking!

  • June 16, 2010 at 10:12 pm
    Permalink

    Hi, I’m very interested in Linux but Im a Super Newbie and I’m having trouble deciding on the right distribution for me (Havent you heard this a million times?) anyway here is my problem, I need a distribution that can switch between reading and writing in English and Japanese (Japanese Language Support) with out restarting the operating system.

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