Hey Tiger!

Dear Internets,

As you know, not only do I sell Snarky Cards from a box that hangs beneath my boobs, I also sell my cards in stores. Most of my stores find me on etsy. Hey Tiger! is now one of those stores.

When Alicia contacted me asking if she could carry my cards, I was surprised and stoked. I mean, I never thought about Kentucky before. Being a loud-mouthed bitch, I always assumed that I wouldn’t have a good time in the South. I mean the South founded racism, and “Boys will be boys.” I’m against racism. And I think that boys should treat other people with respect, regardless of the fact that they have penis’s.

I’m not sure how I feel about Chivalry, which is also rumored to still be alive in the South. I mean; the concept of men being nice to women is nice. But it seems to me that a proper Southern Gentleman has got to pull out my chair, take off my coat, pay for shit, and ask me if I need help, like, all the fucking time. I hate it when people open the door for me. I’m the door opener. And I like paying for my own shit. And I can take off my own damn coat. That’s actually a weird thing, right? Were women in The Olden Days as weak as kittens? Why couldn’t they take off their coats by themselves?

Scarlet fever comes with a full body rash. Gross, right?

When I was in 5th grade I got sick. I  had mononucleosis. And Scarlet Fever. And then Mono again. I was sick all year long. I missed all but 20 days of 5th grade. My uncle and I were talking about it the other day. Everyone in our family has taken one year out of their life to be sick with a mysterious disease. Except the few members of the family who are sick all the fucking time.

“This is why I think your grandparents were brother and sister.”  I used a blaming voice. “Which ones?” he sounded interested in my theory. “Um…. I don’t know? Pick one. Whichever one you think. They’re fucking brother and sister. I’m tellin you, our genes are weak as shit.” Joel agreed with me that our genes kinda suck. But he didn’t seem sold on the inbreeding; I think I lost points for not knowing any of my great-grand-parents names.  Our people are religious white people. Had someone uncovered a pirate, or a prison sentence, or a Native American ancestor, or another loud-mouthed bitch (like me!) in the family line, I might have given a shit. But I come from a long line of boring white people. So I didn’t know the name of Joel’s grandparents. Someone talked about “Big Daddy” at a family reunion when I was 17. At the time I thought the nickname sounded like something you’d call out in a leather-Daddy-bear-sex-game. Therefore I didn’t want to encourage my father, uncle or any of the other adults in my life saying the words “Big Daddy” to me; my great-grandfather didn’t seem interesting enough to warrant me having to listen to his name repeated over and over again. I didn’t bring him up on purpose while talking to Uncle Joel.

So in my year of sickness, I got a tutor. He was old, he smelled, and his nose-hair was out-of-control. As far as I could tell, he was running a scam on the school district. He’d pretend to teach me, and I’d pretend he was teaching me. I figured he was so old, he must just need the health benefits, or something. Or maybe my Mom got out of him that he was still working because his wife was sick…? Anyway, the only things I was going to learn that year were things that I taught myself. It was the year that we learned the states names and capitals in school. It was also the year that a former student of Bracher Elementary School used the swing-set to hang himself. I was deeply disappointed that I wasn’t in school to see the dead body. And indifferent to the other states.

As I got older, I started just calling everything between California and New York “the middle”. I just assumed it was all an indistinguishable hicksville out there.

When I was 19, and living in Ireland, my friend Emily moved to Boston. She and I came back to the Silicon Valley about the same time. “You couldn’t survive in Boston.” She said, eyeing my green hair and my eyebrow piercing. “They all kinda dress the same. And you’d get a lot of weird looks.” I don’t dye my hair much anymore. And my eyebrow piercing fell out. But I am still a loud-mouthed bitch; who loves feminism, believes in abortion, and loves strong black men. I never expected to be popular anywhere but the edges of the country. Taking Boston off the list meant that I was down to the west coast and New York.

See? It's at the top!

But as I said in a recnt post: I’m a sucker for anyone who likes me. It’s my favorite quality in another person; their liking of me. And so, when Hey Tiger! emailed me from Louisville, KY, to ask about carrying my cards, I was super-surprised. And a little abashed that I wasn’t sure where Louisville was. It turns out, it’s kinda at the top of the state. Kinda on the Indiana/Kentucky Border.

Some pretty awesome people are from Louisville too: Muhammad Ali, Sue Grafton, Mildred and Patty Hill (who wrote “Happy Birthday”), Diane Sawyer, Gus Van Sant, 1/3 of Peter, Paul and Mary, Hunter S. Thompson, Maggie Lawson (hilarious chick on Psych!) and Rob Riggle of The Office, the Daily Show and Upright Citizens Brigade.

Louisville has been making a lot of medical advances in the last few years. And being one of the first major stops in the railroad, it is very good at shipping things. They also make 1/3 of all the Bourbon in the world, and of course: baseball bats.

It looks awesome, right?!

And now, Louisville will have Snarky Cards as well! Hey Tiger is a small boutique specializing in vintage clothes for sexy boys and girls. And hand-made items made by artists like me. They’re located 5 miles West from downtown Louisville. And Alicia sounds like the kinda girl who doesn’t go in for door opening or put up with racism. I think she also might be a loud-mouthed bitch. Apparently, we’re not limited to the edges of the country. Which is pretty rad. I’m happy, yet again that my bigotry against all things Not-West Coast has been proved wrong-headed.

I’m pleased to take Snarky Cards to Kentucky. And I’m kinda getting into this “learning the state’s names” thing. I’m hoping to spread my seed through-out the country in the next few years.

Thanks for digging my shit, wherever you are. Hopefully, news about Snarky Underwear are coming soon!

Love,

Alisa

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