News From My Vagina

Dear Internets,

For those of you who don’t know, my name is Alisa Starr. And I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs.They will crack you the fuck up! I also have Snarky Cards in 35 different stores. So if you don’t feel like finding the nearest bar, and waiting there hopefully for me, you have other options.

This is Arlette. Yes, she wears short skirts and knee high socks. Because Arlette is a sexy bitch, with sexy knees.

I haven’t posted anything in a while because I’ve been having some small website problems. Which I’m pretty sure are resolved now; basically my website was full, so I needed to buy a bigger site. Or something. I’m not super-savvy-web-chick. I use a typewriter regularly. I cried when I had to give up my rotary phone. In 2007. So, I am not in charge of the website stuff. I’m sorta at my friend, Arlette’s mercy for web-stuff. And luckily, Arlette totally came through! All hail to the super-sexy web-goddess! So, now I can tell you all the rad stuff you missed in the last two months!

As you know, I recently created Snarky Underwear: Amazing Ass Wear. There’s a girls pair, which I told you about two months ago, when they came out. But between now and then, I also created a Boys pair of Undies! They also say ‘fuck you and your fucking feelings” on the ass. So you can moon people with a message! So far, I’m the only model for the  Boys Undies.

So, dear Internets, you finally get to see a close up of The Magic Mountain. Here she is in all her glory, showing off the boys undies.Whaddya think?

It was really nerve-wracking to take my pants off, and let my room-mate Claire take pictures of my ass. I know I joke about it’s size a lot, but I’ve never actually considered letting anyone take a picture of it in all of it’s glory. I mean, ever. So, taking these pictures of the magic mountain totally tripped me out. But afterwards I felt kinda triumphant. Like, if I can take pictures of my huge fucking ass wearing only hilarious underwear, I can do anything! So, yet again, Snarky Cards helps me get over my body-image issues. It’s kind of ironic that shaking my tits to sell my art validates me. And taking kinda-naked pictures of my ass also validates me. It’s almost as if becoming a sex-object gives me purpose and self-esteem.

You might be saying to yourself “Amazing Ass Wear is awesome! How do I get a pair?” Which is a totally good question. They’re available online. And they’re also in these fine stores:

Some super-good press things have happened lately too! Like:  I did the cover of Just Out! Isn’t it awesome? It was really fun painting cards for Just Out! And it was really fun coming up wih and typing their headlines. It was like I really worked for a magazine! Which used to be my dream, when I was a little girl. Actually when I was a little girl, I totally wanted to be a paid writer. I really wanted to write books. But as I grew up I realized I might have to settle for a magazine. So, it was more like my second-place-dream. Either way, when they asked me to make this cover, it felt like it was coming true. And I also felt like a successful artist. I’ve sold 33,780 Snarky Cards so far. And I’m proud of that. But somehow when Just Out! Asked me to do this, it validated my work in a totally different way. So, thanks Just Out! I loved working with you!

After Just Out asked me to do their cover, they wrote an article about me! I think this article captures my awesomeness. It’s my favorite piece of press yet! I even get to say Motherfucker in the middle of the interview! Proving that they really did talk to me! Amanda is an amazing writer. The tone of her writing sounds like… me, It’s just so fucking fantastic. And I’m so excited that such a good writer wrote about me!

Also: the picture is of my tits and my typewriter. Which I love.

Last week, I caught a cold. It was kind of awesome. I spent 3 days sleeping, watching Stargate and eating chocolate cake. It took me 3 days to realize that I was enjoying it so much because I haven’t taken a day off in a couple of months. Which made me think maybe I need to figure out how to slow down a little bit.

After 3 days of that awesome combination, I felt better and I had the energy to scan all of my Christmas and Hanukkah cards in. So, they’re now available online! This is the first Christmas I’ve gotten my stock out so early. And some of my not-taking-time-off since August has been me, trying to get ready for Christmas. So, in celebration I’ve created a coupon code! For my first ever Holiday sale! From now until Wednesday, November 30th at 7pm., use the coupon code: Blackfridaysucks to get 20% off at! How rad is that?

If you live in Portland, or Seattle, or New York,  or Salem, you can just go into a store and buy my cards, you don’t have to order them online! Check out my list of stores!

So, a whole bunch of rad shit has happened to me since the last time I talked to you! Including some awesome sex! I slept with a friend of mine recently, and it was totally good. And since we’re friends, everything was cool the next day, and we’re still friends. The sex was awesome. There was hot naked boy, and lots of huge penis. Over and over again. A lot of good sex with a guy who is nice, who was nice to me after the sex. I think I really, really needed it.

So, I’m thinking I should start exclusively having sex with my friends. No more stranger-bar-sex. Does that mean that I’m turning into a prude, Internets? I’m thinking it’s an age thing. My sister, and KT have all given up on stranger-sex. And they were just as slutty as I was. Maybe Ani was right, maybe we all do turn into fuckin’ AM radio as we get older, and there isn’t anything we can do about it.

The thing is that lately the bar-sex I’ve gotten has been terrible. And this sex was way better. So, while I may end up getting laid less because I am no longer going to be sleeping with strangers, I will be having better quality sex. So in the end, my Vagina will be much, much happier. I am impressed with my sex-logic. It may seem like a duh-thing to you, but it’s taken me 14 years of sleeping with strangers to figure out that it’s not usually that good.Your no-duh is my aha! moment.

I hope you like the Christmas/Hanukkah Cards! And I hope you like the Amazing Ass Wear! And I hope you enjoy the mountain!

More soon, I promise!



One thought on “News From My Vagina

  • May 9, 2011 at 2:41 am

    Thanks for loving the mountain! I’ve always wanted a stalker!

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