My name is Alisa Starr, and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up. And on Sunday my brother and his gorgeous girlfriend Christina finally had their baby (which I will now refer to as my baby) Emilene! Here she is. Isn’t she fucking gorgeous? I wanted to name her Awesome. So, that’s what we’re calling her from now on.
I’m super-excited about being an Auntie! Joy and I (my sister) have all kinds of plans for her. We’re going to make her do sports, so she has really big self-esteem. And I’m thinking I’ll make a Snarky Kids Clothing Line for her. “All those boys are screwed!” Joy crowed into the phone, as I smoked a joint and she raised her wineglass to our niece. “They can try as hard as they want to, but from now on, our hearts belong to Emilene!” We sang together in unison. It was a wonderful moment, putting a final end to a decade long war between us. Apparently babies can smooth away all kinds of shit.
I’m an Auntie now. And I feel a wider range of feelings because of my newfound love. I’m not shitting you. Last night I was watching V, which now stars a baby. And I found that baby more adorable than I would have normally.Well, normally I would have been like “God, when are they going to stop using that baby as a prop?” But last night I was like “Wow! Babies are the best props in the world!”
I don’t think I’m a coo-er. Or, I wasn’t, until Stephenie called to tell me that he and Christina were pregnant with Awesome. Ever since then, all babies have inspired me to make horrible baby coo noises. And I find all babies, even crying ones, adorable. I’ve been obsessed. I call once a week to find out what’s going on. After the first month of me calling all the time and suggesting names and shit, Stephenie was like “Is this your version of baby fever?” And I think it might be. Niece-obsession.
So, as a result of my newfound love, the Valentines Day cards don’t have as much bite to them as they may have in years past. Because I’m a nicer person. OK, that’s probably not true. I’m still a horrible person. But I have discovered love. Usually it’s hate that makes me strong, but I think this baby-love thing might actually be making me more Awesome too. You can check out the new V-D cards on my etsy site. And you can find more pictures of Emilene, and me on Facebook.