As you know, by now, a few months ago, I broke my leg. You know this because I whine about it all the time. And in this entry, I’m going to whine about it some more.
Breaking your leg means that you are isolated, The only people I saw were my friends/family. Who all had to visit me. And bring me things. And once they got here, I asked them to clean things. So, some of those visits were few and far between.
I was in pain. And I was sweaty. And kinda dirty. I did not feel sexy.
I couldn’t take care of myself very well: showering, brushing my teeth, changing clothes. Those were are hard things. So, at first, life was so hard I didn’t notice that all the sexy seeped out of my life. Then, when things got a little easier, I had time to look around, and realize just how gross I really was. And then I didn’t mind the fact that the only new men in my life were all doctors/nurses/cab drivers. None of whom were hot. Or hot for me.
So, I gave up on sex AND feeling sexy. For months.
Last month I finally started walking again. With crutches. This didn’t help my quest to be sexy. I worked as hard as I could, as often as I could to get from the crutches to a cane. Once I got pretty good with the cane, I started selling my cards again. I still spend a bunch of time getting ready at night. And I like to think I look good when I leave the house. But being able to walk and wear a skirt didn’t magically bring back my sexual confidence.That kind of things comes back slowly. Over the last few weeks, men have ogled me and motor-boated me, and been delighted by my blatant hitting on them. And every time a guy is not repulsed by me, I find myself feeling a little more sure of myself.
The men who flirt with me are still crappy flirters. But regardless of their skill, their continued efforts prove that they are still into me. Every time a man looks at me, smiling, and says something stupid, I hear this hum. The song of my Vagina. She’s been pretty quiet for the last few months. But with each clumsy pass, the hum grows louder. And soon I’m sure the hum will get even louder, and the boy in front of me will say something funny, and not stupid. And after that he’ll make her sing.
Because I’m hot. And really good in bed, and people guess that about me. Since I created this business based on what happens in my Vagina.
There is a hot bartender, named Dougie. He has been starring in my fantasies since I’ve started walking again. I like Doug. He likes me. But I’m pretty sure that the chances that he likes me in a sexy way are, like, super-low.
I give it a 5%-15% chance that he’s ever taken off my clothes in his head.
So, staring at his abs and his arms, and his awesome ass, and trying to gage his penis size while he is absorbed in the task of making drinks for other people makes me feel like a creeper.
But that 5-15% of hope has been keeping me going for the last 2 weeks.
Last night , after I got my eyeful of Doug, I went back out into the world to sell cards. And there was a guy who told me a story about how he got shot by a gangsta in the 90′s, back when he was 1. a gangsta 2. Rich 3. A hard-core coke dealer
He also bought me a drink. All in an attempt to get me back to his place.
He said “We’ve got a car! We’ll drive you!”
That’s how into me he was. He was willing to drive me to his house. Drunk. I mean, he was drunk. And he did start the evening by telling me he’d just got a DUI. So, I’m glad I declined. After he told me he’d gotten that DUI, it took ALL OF MY WILLPOWER not to say “Don’t drink and drive! You could kill your Dad!” Which is my favorite line from the last Cougar Town episode. Which was awesome.
Anyway, while I might have started the evening lusting after Dougie, I ended the evening feeling good about being the rejector. Almost like I’d gotten my sexy back.
I think that Doug’s doing the world a service. Being all sexy all the time. At least, I know that he helped me. Because while I was thinking about helping him take his shirt off (and how grateful he’d be for my help!) I was finally thinking about having sex. With another person. Who found me attractive. Something I’ve had a hard time imagining since since January. And I needed someone to get that started up again for me. So, thanks Dougie! Your sexiness has inspired me! I wrote some sexy Snarky Cards while I was thinking about you! I’m sorry all my thoughts about you are dirty. But you have a huge cock in my fantasies. I don’t know if that helps or make this whole thing weirder and gross.