Do you like, like me?

Dear Internets,

I recently created an OKCupid profile. Mostly because, even though people hit on me when I go out selling my cards in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs, I don’t take them very seriously, and they seldom take me very seriously either.

In short nobody really means what they say at the bar.
So, it’s good for one night stands, but I’m not interested in a one night stand anymore.
I liked writing and re-writing my OKCupid Profile. And I enjoy the attention it gets, everyday, on the internet. I like thinking that I have a plethora of men to choose from, online. All I have to do (I tell myself) is message any one of these men, and I’m sure they’ll be sooooooo flattered that they got your attention! This is not always true. But it’s true often enough that I don’t have to talk myself out of this delightful belief. In creating this profile, and talking to strange men online, I am taking a first step in trying to find someone who doesn’t hate hanging out with me. Obsessing over my profile and my man-choices helps me clarify what I want. Talking to guys helps me figure out who I am. And all of it feels new and weird. Not because I haven’t been dating, exactly. I’ve tried. But this year a lot of shit changed in my head. And I feel like a sane person, who has worked through most of her hang-ups, can pay her bills on time, and is kind and competent at loving the people around her, and receiving comfort and kindness from others.

I took this picture of me, selling, in the bathroom at the Unicorn.

I have never felt like all of that shit was true. I feel like this year, I emerged from a janky-ass cocoon, and the new me is not as damaged as the old me. I feel like I’d be a good girlfriend for the first time, like, ever. It’s nice! And exciting! And it was a little shocking when I realized that some of the guys I’m meeting online aren’t good enough for me. Some of them weren’t funny enough. Some of them weren’t interesting enough. And some of them weren’t nice enough. I’ve had such low standards for so long, it never occurred to me that there were some guys who weren’t good enough for me. It’s like my self-esteem has gotten out of control!

Me neighbor, Bridget, took this picture of me this summer. In our hallway.

So, OKCupid, like masturbation, kinda lets me know where my head’s at. I’m hoping to get some nice dates out of it. But it’s largely practice. And while I don’t really expect to find a loving, meaningful relationship there, I am not loving the stupid crap I’m getting from strange men online either.

This guy, last week, thought that I would just have sex with him in his truck. Like, just because he asked. No “Hey! I like Tom Cruise movies! And I think you’re funny! Wanna have sex in my truck?”Nope. He just wanted me to agree to have sex with him in his truck. When he couldn’t be bothered to pretend like he liked anything about me.

Trevor, me and Random Guy at Trevor’s going away party this summer.

And when I was like “I’m not that easy. I need to get to know a person first. And they have to be charismatic.” So he was like “Well, would you be willing to have sex with me in my truck and then see how things go?”
That’s the kind of stupid stupidity that I’m dealing with every day.
I went on this one date with a guy who kept showing me pictures of his penis. Which was better than him just whipping

Me, in the Liberty bathroom.

his shit out right there at the bar. But we weren’t in that kind of a sexy place. We were barely flirting. There was no good reason for him to show me pictures of his penis.
And, I know this is going to surprise you, internets, but I’m not that into dick pics.
I think dick picks are fun to say, but beyond that, I can’t really bring myself to be that interested. Porn just really doesn’t do it for me. And even if it did, all my junk is tied up in this emotional connection bullshit. So, if we’d had a few dates, and he’d said some nice things about my hair, and laughed at some of my jokes, then maybe his penis would have had some appeal. I tried to explain that to him. But he didn’t get it.

He also didn’t get the hint when I kept saying “Yup! That’s a

I have my own clown nose. I thought putting this picture on OKCupid would prove I’m whimsical and interesting.

penis! I’ve seen them before, and I can definitely say that that is a penis. For sure.” Because I can pretty much only acknowledge dick pics. I can identify penis’s. I can’t even bring myself to rate them. I’m THAT not into Porn.

Regardless of the retards, or my porn deficiency, I wrote this card because it seems like, this card is the entire summation of almost every interaction on OKCupid.
Everyone just wants to make a connection and then move everything to real life.
And in order to do any of that, you have to get the other person to acknowledge you. And say they’re interested in you.

This was my on my birthday this year. My sister made up my eyes, gave me a wig and a tuu-tuu and got me drunk this year.
It was a good day.
I look like a fun person here, right?

Which is why I made this card.
So people can get to real life quicker.
I hope you don’t have to suffer through too many dick pics before you find someone you like, who likes you and wants to hang out with you.

Please don’t make fun of me for being a pussy who has feelings and might want a boyfriend. This is fitting in perfectly with my life plan: Boyfriend by 40 is one of my goals. And wanting a boyfriend now, gives me 7 years to comb the globe for a good one, while I become so completely ultra-famous, so that any man I choose will be blinded by my awesome followers and hilarious catch-phrases and they will have to become my loving partner.

Yes, I’m talking to you Seth MacFarlane, Jamie Foxxx, Ben Bass, Marc Blucas, Reed Diamond, Tim Kang, Lawrence Fox, Ian Tracey, Alan Cummings, Shemar Moore, Scott Caan, Daniel Dae Kim, Jake Johnson, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Coby Bell,John Francis Daley, Damon Wayans Jr. (Or, really any Wayans offspring, if he’s the kind of person those Wayans’s are making), Donald Glover, J. August Richards and of course Eric Balfour


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