Sometimes My Vagina Haunts Me

Here are some of the cards you'll find in the Snarky Cards App! Now available on Google Play!
Here are some of the cards you’ll find in the Snarky Cards App! Now available on Google Play!

Dear Internets,

A few days ago, I realized that some of my old lovers have become my facebook friends. And when I was sending out an “email blast” (that kind of language always makes me feel a little dirty) about my new Android App! I realized that I have some of their email addresses. And they’re just littered in with the other people in my life. I, of course, was horrified. I like to think that after men sleep with me, they are ruined for other women. Or scarred for life. Either works.

Anyway, they all go move onto an island somewhere off of San Francisco. Where they have daily support group meetings about their Alisa Experiences.
When I realized that they were just….. everywhere, I did the math. I’ve slept with around 132 people. That island probably got too full.

Then, for the first time in my adult life, I was a little mad at myself for my sluttiness. Finally, I realized that it was really, really weird that I believed in this ex-island the same way that other people I know believe that Jesus died for our sins. And maybe it’s OK if I let go of this obvious delusion I created for myself. Probably in an attempt to make being slutty more hilarious and awesome. But still. I’m just working on accepting that there is no island now.
See how I went through the five stages of grief there?

This is still one of my best sellers. I've sold hundreds of them. As somone who works on my Kegels, I'm glad there are people out there who appreciate that shit enough to buy this card!
This is still one of my best sellers. I’ve sold hundreds of them. As somone who works on my Kegels, I’m glad there are people out there who appreciate that shit enough to buy this card!

Seriously. I’ve been this neurotic all week. This App release is making me that nervous. Like it’s my last good idea. And if it doesn’t work, if people don’t buy it, or if they do, and they’re mad, because they don’t like it, I’m out of good ideas. And I really will have to go back to office bitchery. It’s unfounded. Last night, I went to the Unicorn and Pony (2 of my favorite bars!) and I sold 25 cards, and people were just as happy to buy them as always. Those guys didn’t realize I was about to be an internet failure. They just liked Snarky Cards. But I can’t shake this nervousness.

Love,

Alisa

 

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