I’ve been re-calibrating. I moved again. It was a sudden, frightening, jarring move. But I moved into an amazing little studio. It’s perfect. And I’m living alone for the first time in my life. My landlords are really amazing people. And my neighbors leave me alone. And the time to think has been rejuvenating me.
I can stretch and ice and eat, on whatever schedule I am on. I don’t have to explain to another person, that when I am sitting at my desk, painting while the tv is on, I am actually working. The cats are happy to be the only animals around.
I went back to Snarky Cards, to pay for this amazing new apartment. And it’s been scary. I was worried I’d hurt my hands, or not make enough money to pay for the new, amazing apartment. But, the time to myself at night seems to be good for me, and I seem to be recovering from the work, and bouncing back in a way I didn’t expect.
I’ve gone back and forth this year about whether I can keep doing my art, in order to make a living. And I’m still hoping to transition to some kind of office work in the next few months. At the end of the day, Snarky Cards needs a cash injection, in order to get it to the next level. I need money for a book, or time to work on a kickstarter campaign, or a publisher, or a business partner…. The truth is, even if I had enough money for a book, I’d still want a business partner. And part of the reason I’ve been thinking I wanted to work in an office is because working for myself, by myself, has become lonely. I want to be part of a team.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that’s what I wanted. And some of the reason for that, is because, most of my adult life, was me trying to re-teach myself love. And figure out who I was, after I separated myself from my abusive family. Do I belong with other families? I wondered. Maybe I’m just not a family person? I thought. So, I went to other people’s Christmas’s, and tried to find a place in other people’s lives. And then I realized that other people’s families are just as emotionally charged as mine. And I kinda couldn’t take on more intense family shit. So, I started to look for a Mom. Or a Dad. And I found a few Fake-Mom’s and Fake-Dad’s that really helped me see myself as lovable.
And I think that figuring all of THAT out, and finding a business partner who can help me build a Universe-Dominating Empire, out of my art, is probably a lot to ask of myself.
So, I’m cutting myself a break on the fact that I’ve been trying to create an empire all by myself for the last seven years. Which, in retrospect, duh, would have been way easier with a partner. Figuring out I was lovable, and worthwhile, and learning to reach out to other people when I am scared were all awesome skills that I learned before now, which will probably make me a better partner.
So, I’m throwing down a gauntlet to The Universe “Send me a job where I can shine, with people who are kind and funny! Or. Send me a business partner, who can help me make Snarky Cards into a series of books and calendars and hilarious videos!”
I mean, the Universe can do both. But one of those things has to happen in the next month. In the meantime, I’m painting cards (saving up to even up with my poor beleaguered printer) and selling them in bars again, for at least another month. And while I paint and type, I watch a lot of TV.
And I’ve started trying to expand my internet presence (living alone has helped me flesh out/carry out my ideas more thoroughly, I think! Isn’t it exciting!?!) with meme’s. This was my first one. I looked up Hawaii Five-0 pics to find the right picture, and there are some AWESOME full-on gay-porn meme’s of these guys. I mean, their heads are obviously photoshopped in, but the gay porn version of these guys is still soooooooooo fuckin’ hot. Google it. You will not be sorry.
For someone with a great apartment, who makes her living selling her art, and is famous in some bars for being sexy and hilarious, I sure do feel sorry for myself a lot. It’s scary, to live on my own, and do a job that risks my health. I’m not saying the rewards aren’t awesome, but the risk takes a toll on me. And today, I just needed to hear someone tell me I was doing a good job. And that I was OK. So, I was watching The Fosters, and Rosie came through. I’m not perfect at Meme’s yet. But I think I’m starting to get the hang of them.
All the Mom’s on that show came through for me, really. I love watching them be nice to each other. And try to knit themselves into a family. It’s heart-warming. And, it serves as kind of a heart-map for orphans, or people who had hard shit happen to them, when they were kids.
Rosie’s character is tough, and honest, and strict, and she calls people on their shit. And she fights for her kids to be all right. And watching her fight for the people she loves, and championing them, well it waters soil in my heart that I thought was just dust.