As you know, I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.
This year, I went crazy with the Hanukkah cards. Mostly because, due to some generous donations, this year, I had enough money to print 200 Hanukkah cards, so I’ve been able to sit down and jazz it up. And by “jazz it up” I don’t mean jizz on my typewriter, to old episodes of Psych. I mean I’ve been giving myself 10-15 minutes to improvisationally type up whatever I want, so that I don’t get bored.
I spend about 10 hours a week typing Snarky Cards. Mostly from a list I keep of all my best-selling Snarky Cards. The list is about 400 cards deep. But, even so, they’re all cards I’ve typed out hundreds (and some thousands) of times. I get bored writing the same shit over and over. And I get a lot more excited going out selling when I’m trying new material.
So, I wrote a bunch of new Hanukkah Cards! My favorite is the Racism Sucks! Hanukkah Card. Which I wrote for my friend Dori.
We met at Brentano’s when I was 19. She was my first Jewish friend, and we were pretty tight. She was kind enough to include me in her family’s Passover celebration for years. Despite my big fucking mouth. I’ll never forget the first time I thought I was making a witty joke about how “her people DID kill Jesus.” and Dori, who was at least 10 yrs older than me, snapped “We DID NOT KILL JESUS!!” like, she’d been fielding that historically inaccurate “joke” for waaaayyyyy too many years.
This circumcised dick card was just something I tossed off. I didn’t think much about it. I showed it off at Purr, my favorite gay bar. Where it incited an intense discussion about how to blow/play with the uncircumcised dick. This ended with an impromptu do’s and don’ts from a guy who’d apparently sucked a LOT of uncircumcised cock. More than even his BFF knew. Apparently it’s all about manipulating the base so the the head slaps itself.
I made him promise to make a youtube tutorial, because that’s information I think we all could use.
Before I left that night, I tweeted this:
When I got home, I found it had one like, from someone whose profile is all in… Bulgarian? From what google tells me? Which is nice. I had no idea my jokes translated that well.
I also got this weird reply:
@Stopcuttingboys is a relatively new account, but I respect their passion. I feel like that about Female Genital Mutilation. Beyond the Bris.com is “News and Views on Jewish Circumcision.” I couldn’t read the whole website, because I don’t care about penises. Not like I care about Vaginas. I don’t want to save/protect/instill confidence in penises, the way I feel like I do with Vaginas. I’m glad @stopcuttingboys exists, but that’s his deal.
In conclusion: I wrote this totally card about racism, and christianity as an apology to my friend Dori, for making a dickish joke 15 years ago, which makes people chuckle. And then I combined a Holiday card and a dick joke, and everyone wants to talk about it.
To be clear: I am circumcision-neutral. I’m not Jewish. I don’t have a penis. And I don’t expect to be in charge of someone with a penis, ever. So I don’t think that I should get an opinion either way (the way I wish dudes would act about birth control and abortion: “mind yer business”).
That Hanukkah card in no way endorses circumcision. By the time I see a penis, someone else has already circumcised, or not circumcised it, I’m just trying to figure out how to celebrate it either way.