I’m finding a lot of Schadenfreude in Professor Tyson’s accusations against Mr. Fairfax; the Lieutenant Governor of VA. Fairfax is pissed because he thought it was consensual.
Of course he did.
Around the same year this happened to her, this also happened to me. I mean, this has happened to me a lot. Less so in the last 10 years. But, from 1997 – 2005, I got this shit too.
We were grabbing a beer from the kitchen, at The Funhouse. “Are you going to see him again?” Steve asked me about this hot guy I’d met at our favorite liquor store.
“Head-Pushy-Downy-Guy? Uh, NO.” I said clearly. “You try that shit once with me.” Steve laughed, surprised that that was a normal sex-move.
And when I got pissed that a guy had shoved my head down to their crotch, they acted surprised. They insulted me “Oh, you don’t like sex?” they got mad that they weren’t getting what they wanted. They tried to make me feel like I was being a bitch for not just opening my fucking mouth when they shoved my face somewhere.
That move turns sex hostile.
And I think that most men don’t know.
The guys that care about whether you’re experiencing any pleasure by touching them doesn’t try to push your face to their dicks. Those guys are hoping you’ll go to their dicks naturally. And if you don’t, those are the guys who shrug and are like “Ok, I guess she’s not into me.”
Head-Pushy-Downy-Guy doesn’t realize he’s making sex with you hostile. That his push changes the interaction from sex to assault. That by insisting on pressing your face somewhere, he’s pulling your consent from the situation.
Head-Pushy-Downy-Guy doesn’t think about your pleasure AT ALL. If someone made him think about whether this is rape or not he’d say “Of course Not! I’m not pinning her down, so it can’t be rape. She doesn’t have to open her mouth, either.”
What he doesn’t realize is that in order to get away from his dick, I had push his hand away with the top of my head. And after trying to squirm out of that position, you have to explain that you’re saying no. Historically, saying no to men is dangerous. After he lets you up, you have a conversation where he tries to talk you into that blow-job he just tried to force you to give him.
Some women would just rather give the blow-job.
That’s not consent.
That’s you doing sex to get away from someone.
Head-Pushy-Downy-Guy uses a little bit of force. And that little bit of force says “I don’t care what you want. I’m willing to use my strength to get you to do what I want.”
It’s an implied threat. If I push through your hand, and regain control of myself, do I still have to argue with you about a blow-job? Are you going to just call me a bitch and leave it at that? Are you going to make me feel like I’m less attractive, or shitty at sex, or generally neg me for not succumbing to your force? Will I get a slap instead of a push when I push back against that hand?
I’ve had sex with one man because I assumed that he would hurt me if I didn’t. That moment of assessment, and terror that gripped my chest, when I looked at him in my room, and I realized that I wanted him to leave. And if I asked, he wouldn’t. And the sex might get violent. This was a man I could see putting his hands around my neck and squeezing until I died. So, I took a deep breath and had my best sex with a dangerous man that I didn’t like so that he would leave.
Not all Head-Pushy-Downy-Guys are violent. Some guys don’t think beyond pushing your head down. I get that. This accusation can become a lesson for all men. If you push my head down, the questions above are going through my head. I’m now alert, I feel disrespected, and I’m evaluating you to figure out if you’re going to physically assault me MORE. Because pushing is considered assault in society. And so, without consent, or an agreed safe-word, it becomes assault in sex. I mean, it always was.
Rape just used to be more OK than it is now.
And THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THAT!!!
The Head-Pushy-Downy-Liutenant-Governor is angry because he thinks he is being falsely accused of rape. He thinks he did nothing wrong. Maybe every time he did it, it worked. The woman was too scared/intimidated to say no to him. Maybe the way he held her head, she couldn’t fucking move.
I had a lot of neck-pain the last time a guy did this to me. So, if you pushed my head anywhere, it hurt. And I yelped. And then I would have a very angry conversation with a man I no longer wanted to sleep with. Maybe no woman ever yelped when Lieutenant Governor PUSHED THEIR HEADS INTO HIS DICK. Maybe he didn’t let them up. Maybe they were too scared/intimidated to yelp or fight his fist so they could stand up again.
So, it’s possible he didn’t realize that this is sexual assault. It’s possible for a woman to be violated, and a man to not know she feels that way. Usually, it’s because he doesn’t care how she feels.
So, we have never said this before. We are all saying it now: pushing a woman’s head next to your dick is the moment that changes sex to rape.
If you care about consent. Or if you just want to make sure no-one will ever accuse you or your son or your brother of rape, we women are saying,
HERE IT IS!!!
THIS IS THE LINE!!!!
This is a REAL CONCRETE RAPEY THING you can avoid doing. That will keep you safe from rape-accusations and women safe from being raped by you.
I hope that all men, including the Rapey Liutenant Governor of Virginia, look at this assault case and see that line clearly here.