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Snarky Cards and Tour De Fat!

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Tour De Fat was amazing. It was so amazing, I’m writing about it right now, instead of having sex right now. Which I totally could be doing. With a cute boy. Who is totally waiting for me in bed. So, I’ll make this quick.

I love Tour De Fat! It was so much fun! The beer was yummy, and the drunk bike addicts were really nice! The circus folks were entertaining and the band rocked! They were really happy to see my cards! And I made enough money to pay my rent this month! I’m gonna see if I can go to another Tour De Fat event in a few weeks, and I’m gonna see if I can go to other beer festivals too. So if you have a beer festival that you plan or participate in send me an email, and let me know when and where. I’ll show up with my cards, and my typewriter (Bob) and m

 I thought I’d be able to go out and sell after my day, but I was hoarse last night. And I had a hard time moving my legs. And my head. And talking out loud. And then I thought I’d be able to go to the Folsom Street Fair today. But I was too tired. And then I thought “OK, well, go sell at Zeitgeist at least”.  But it turns out, when I have to be charismatic and loud, and write custom cards about people’s deepest darkest secrets for 6 hours, it takes something out of me.

So today I slept in, and finished my book, and talked to my friend Emily, and ate some pizza, and watched Grey’s Anatomy, and smoked some weed and drank some beer. And then the cute boy picked me up, and took me to his house.

We stopped to make-out on the way. And I got to look at the sun setting behind some sort of Marsh, halfway between Oakland and San Mateo.  It was beautiful. It’s a weird trip so far. It’s like Oregon has somehow set into my bones. And I’m not seeing the landscape the way I used to. It’s haunting me like I’ve never seen it before. And the way the air expands in the fading warmth of September is so reassuring to me, like it was in the summertime, when I was a teenager, and summer was heavy with possiblities. But there’s something more than just the reassurance. It surprises me, this expansive, heavy air. Like my childhood memories were a story I read, and I’m just realizing it might have been a biography.

 My respite felt more like melloncholly than solace. So, when the cute boy picked me up, I tried to be peppy. And so far we’ve had some sex and television and chocolate. Also: he made me a chicken salad. Which, it turns out, I love.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back at the Zeitgeist, being the bad-ass Art Prostitute everyone loves.  So if you’re in the Mission tomorrow night, come get your drink on, and check out some Snarky Cards!

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Super-Alisa and Snarky Cards Go To San Francisco

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Happy Birthday!My name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.

Here’s one of my new favorites: Happy Birthday! (not an) Asshole! For the friend you thought was going to turn out to be a total dick. But, in the end, they surprised you by becoming a regular, semi-nice person.

I usually do said bar selling in Portland, where I live. But this week, I’m doing it in San Francisco. I got here yesterday, and so far I’ve had a great time. Tonight, at The Revolution Cafe, I got all three of my girlfriends to drink beer and bond with each other. These are The Rad Bitches: KT, Arlette, and Claire. I’ve been trying to get these girls in a room together for years. I secretly think of them all as The Super-Friends, and I’d really like for us to have our own Hall Of Justice to chill in, between taking over the world with our amazing super-powers. Today we made great strides towards that Hall Of Justice.

I’m in San Francisco because while I love Portland, I need to cheat on it with SF every few months in order to realize how much I love Portland. You know what I mean? Like, I cheat on Portland with The City, and then, after a little while of Doing It with SF, I’ll be like “You know what? This is good, but it’s not as good as Doing It with Portland. Maybe because I have all these feelings for Portland…? And while the sex is better with The City, we just don’t have that history, or the common values, and I don’t see us being together the same way.”

So, I’m here, loving every minute of the dirty, crowded, business-obsessed, tall shiny buildings. It’s not just all this concrete that makes my heart sing (Nature is for suckers!). Or the six people who live here who have loved me since I was bat-shit-fucking crazy (Lauren, Steve, Claire, The Bexter, Arlette, and KT). It’s the easy witt, the sexy boys, the gorgeous fags, and the flirting, oh god, the flirting…..

Portland boys do not ever, as a rule, show open, wanton interest in women. I don’t know why. But they don’t. And here, they start it. And they keep it up. And then, tonight, I realized, that that’s not all! This hot, witty flirting that keeps happening to me could go somewhere at any moment. In short, the men here seem to like women, and themselves and they have sexual confidence. I forgot what it’s like to be around men like that. They openly stare at my titts here. And it feels so good. And now, my best bitches are slowly moving to form The Justice League of My Dreams. My heart is full.

Evil Toilet Care Bears who dance above the toilet at Revolution Cafe

Evil Care Bears who dance above the toilet at Revolution Cafe

So, tonight, Claire and Arlette, and KT all drank their asses off, at The Revolution Cafe, talking about their business plans and their relationships, and knitting and sewing projects, and making arrangements to do business together and generally rule the world.

This Saturday, from 10am to 5pm, I’ll be at Tour De Fat, in Golden Gate park, with my typewriter (Bob) selling my Snarky Cards, and making custom cards for anyone who wants one. Come by and get your Snark On! And drink yummy beer! And ride crazy bikes!

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Posted in Hot Sexy Time!, Place I'll be | 5 Comments »

Waterfront Fun and Ivy Ross!

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

cooler

For those of you who don’t know, I’m Alisa Starr, and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.

tourdefat

Today I’m going to go down to the Waterfront, and type up new and more awesome Snarky Cards, with Tour De Fat, which is the bicycle celebration of beer. It’s a costumed celebration of human-powered transportation. Muscles not motors, coasters, v-brakes and rotors. Come in your favorite alter ego, because when everybody’s weird, no one is.

ivy_ross_guitarI’ll be there from 12-5, typing and selling my Snarky Cards, and then I’m high-tailing it to NE Portland, to see Ivy Ross sing her heart out at The Alberta Street. Show starts at 7pm, and it’s going to be awesome! I’ve been wanting to hear Ivy sing for ages, and it’s my fault for not getting my ass to her shows sooner. But I”m not gonna worry about woulda coulda shoulda. I’m just glad I know all of my worries will wash away, once she gets that guitar in her hands. I mean, where else do you get that kind of guarentee?

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Posted in Hot Sexy Time!, New Cards, Place I'll be, Snarky Cards, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Bexter: adorable, funny and lately luck in love

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
In 1996 I took Rebecca to the Prom. Don't we look hot?

In 1996 I took Rebecca to the Prom. Don't we look hot?

About a year ago, I was in San Francisco, hanging out with my ex-fake-husband, Steve, and The Bexter. The three of us were watching Steve’s car get washed, because old friends can do boring shit together and it’ll still turn out fun. I was showing off my newest Snarky Cards, and Steve was intermittently laughing and nodding, and The Bexter was wrinkling her nose. After the car was almost all the way through the magical machine, I got annoyed. “You don’t like my cards?” I demanded. “Well, they’re mean.” She said. “I can’t believe people actually give them to each other. I would never seriously give one of those to someone else.” I was astounded, and a little pissed off. Steve stayed out of it, trying to make neutral comments for the rest of the afternoon. We bickered about it for over an hour, and since then it’s been a (small) point of contention between The Bexter and I. And, that’s OK. We’ve been friends for 16 years, we can argue one point for a year or two, until one of us gives in. And look! The Bexter gave in! She just sent me this story for your perusal.

Isn't she gorgeous? I love that my friends are so hot.

Isn't she gorgeous? I love that my friends are so hot.

So I met this dude on the internet, like you do, because it’s 2009. During the course of our email bantering, this young suitor mentioned that he liked to drink a fair amount, and also that his bicycle had been stolen. When the time came for us to meet in person, a flash of inspiration struck! I took the snarky card off my bulletin board that said “Dear___, I’m sorry I stole your bike. You were drunk. And I had to get away from you.” It was perfect! I wrote in our names and tucked it into my purse. When I met him at the bar, I told him I had a first date present for him, but warned him “You are either going to think this is funny, and think I am the most hilarious chick ever, or else you aren’t going to think it’s funny, in which case it will be awkward.”

Here's the magical bike card that got The Bexter some dating!

Here's the magical bike card that got The Bexter some dating!

Then I handed him the card. He thought it was funny, and we have been dating every since. Thanks Alisa Starr, for making my awkward internet date a little more bearable!

True story.

Lv. RSN

Isn’t that awesome? I made something rad happen in her Vagina. And I can make something rad happen in yours too!

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Posted in Hot Sexy Time! | 3 Comments »

The Snarky Card Chick Gets Her Nerd On

Friday, February 27th, 2009
The Glorious Starbuck. I know, I know, it's better when she's got her clothes off, or she's beating the fuck out of someone, but I couldn't find those pictures. So you get this one. Also: She's a Portland native.

The Glorious Starbuck. I know, I know, it's better when she's got her clothes off, or she's beating the fuck out of someone, but I couldn't find those pictures. So you get this one. Also: She's a Portland native.

For those of you who don’t know, I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.

Tonight I will be at The Baghdad Theater, with all of the other geeks in Portlandia, watching our favorite show, BattleStar Galactica, approach it’s demise. I’ll have new Cards with me, so hopefully after we all get our Dork on, you guys can use my Snark to get you some action.

If you like Bastarga, and you want to be in a theater full of other smart, hot people who dig it too, you’re in luck. Last time I went, it was totally fucking amazingly awesome. You’ll be happy you came.

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Stephanie: everyone’s favorite little brother

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

For those of you who don’t know, I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. They will crack you the fuck up.

People always wanna know where I get my sense of humor from, which is a stupid question from my perspective. How do I fucking know? I mean, really? But I think I might have an answer.

I love my brother, Stephanie. He’s not transgendered. That’s just what we call him. He likes it better than Becky, which was his other option. Anyway, it’s his birthday this month. And so I was calling to tell him Happy Birthday! Because I knew I’d forget on the actual day, because in reality, I’m a pretty shitty sister. And also, I wanted to get his address to send him his birthday present. Which is actually just some junk he left at my house when he lived here (See? I told you I’m shitty). We were catching up and he said “Guess what? I got laid last week!” I was flabberghasted. Stephanie doesn’t have a lot of game. He’s pretty sure of himself in bed, I know, because he brags about his cunnilingus skills CONSTANTLY. But he doesn’t always clue into the moment where the girl is actually interested in getting it on. I swear, I’ve watched him walk away from more pussy because he was oblivious than I’ve seen him buy comic books. And The Kidd loves comic books.

Anyway so I was like “Cool. How was it?” “Awesome!” He said using his cocky voice. “Oh yeah? You kids gonna Do It again?” I really want Stephanie to get a girlfriend. I would be sooooooo happy if he found a kick-ass girl. I ask this question with the hopefulness of a Mother. Unfortunately, his love life is as lame as mine. (Maybe it was our childhood?) “I don’t think so.” He said. “I like her a lot. But she just got out of a relationship. And she hasn’t been with a guy in a long-” “Oh, so it was break-up sex?” I interrupted. “Well, yeah. I mean, it was, like four hours long though.” He said. “Oh” I cooed. “It was so nice of you to have Lesbian sex with her!”

“What?!” He thundered. “You had sex for four hours. Straight people don’t do that.” I pointed out. “Lesbians do that. God, gay men don’t even do that. Four hour sex is a lesbian thing. It was so nice of you to have sex with her all Lesbionic so that she would feel comfortable!”

Stephanie has a reputation for being a Lesbian. This is in part because lesbians are his happy place. If you asked him whether he’d rather hang out in a room full of Bull-Dykes or hang out in a room full of hot girls who want to sleep with him, he’d think for a really long time and then he’d ask you plaintively “Can’t I do both? I mean, hang out with The Bull Dykes first and then hit up the hot girl room?” The other reason he has a reputation for being a Lesbian is that he is reassured by chocolate, Buffy and calls himself a feminist. All of which are good qualities. But that doesn’t stop any of his sisters from calling him a pussy. Which he is kind of tired of. So he retaliated.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that we had Lesbian sex. Except when you count all the times I put my penis in her vagina!” He sneered. I continued arguing my point. And he said “My penis in her vagina!” five more times. Finally, the imagery won out. “All right. All right. You win!” I finally spat out. “You totally grossed me out. Are you happy now?” “Yes. As a matter of fact, I am” He was smug. Because he had won. Because that’s what the conversation had turned into. He was trying to tell me about his sex life. Bonus if it grossed me out. I have been doing this same thing to him for the last twelve years.

This is for Stephanie! The best brother a girl could hope for!

This is for Stephanie! The best brother a girl could hope for!

After we hung up, laughing, I thought about it. Maybe my sense of humor is genetic. Maybe that’s where it comes from. Or maybe it’s fucked up, and I gave it to my little brother too. And now he uses it as a weapon against me. In honor of my beloved brother, I give you: The After School Special. Because, really, he does make my life an after school special. Because being his sister is like a constant, annoying lesson about how great it is to have a brother. And how to use sex as a weapon to disgust people.

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Saturday, January 24th, 2009
Snarky Card Chick at The Chapman Swifts Show

Snarky Card Chick at The Chapman Swifts Show

In case you don’t know, my name is Alisa Starr and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Post Cards. I sell them in bars, from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. Although, lately I’ve been home sick.

For the last few days I’ve been in the thrall of a dark, horifying cold.  My life has consisted of stuffing garlic down my throat and drinking cupfuls of Emergenc and Catnip tea in between naps. I also tried the wet sock trick, which I saw on OPB a week or so ago. It totally worked! The trick goes like this: You run a pair of socks under hot, hot water. Put the socks on. Put dry socks on over them. Go to sleep.

The theory is: your body wants to dry the socks. So, it’ll raise your temperature while you sleep, thereby clearing your sinuses, and helping you get better faster. It totally fucking worked. I woke up, every morning, groggy, with dry socks and a little less mucus plugging up the back of my throat.

So, tonight, I will be going out into the world to bring you new cards. There will be lots of drinking of orange juice! I’m sure I’ll be going to Kelly’s Olympian, and from there, I plan on going up to Muu-Muu’s and perhaps The (first) Matador.

In the meantime, here’s a birthday card to tide ya over:

Whether it was a drunken one night stand, or someone you've been sleeping with for a while, it's their birthday. And they had sex with you. Don't they deserve a card?

Whether it was a drunken one night stand, or someone you've been sleeping with for a while, it's their birthday. And they had sex with you. Don't they deserve a card?

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Knocking you Up!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

For those of you who don’t know: I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Post Cards. I sell them from a box that hangs beneath my boobs in bars. And that’s what I was doing last night, at The Ash Street Saloon and Berbati’s Pan.

Fenbi: International Superstars played at Ash Street and it fuckin’ rocked. Just like I said it would. I even danced a little. I think dancing knocked my leg a little sideways, or maybe it was that weed that that homeless guy smoked me out with after the show, but I’m pretty sure that I walked sans limp all the way to the bus stop. It was magical. All of a sudden, my legs both worked, and they moved in tandem, without complaint. I had three whiskeys and a fat blunt in me by then, but even the cold couldn’t touch me, and I was in awe of my own body, working again. I blame Fenbi, for making me wanna dance so bad.

Today, in honor of bodies in general, I posted a new Snarky Card for all you Knocked Up Bitches. I hope you like it!

I betcha thought that you needed some penis and vagina action in order to get knocked up, huh? Nope. It's not true. It's just Jaeger. You drink enough of it, and a baby magically starts growing inside of you. That's why I don't touch the stuff. I stick to whiskey, and I've been baby-free for 15 years.

I betcha thought that you needed some penis and vagina action in order to get knocked up, huh? Nope. It's not true. It's just Jaeger. You drink enough of it, and a baby magically starts growing inside of you. That's why I don't touch the stuff. I stick to whiskey, and I've been baby-free for 15 years.

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Posted in Hot Sexy Time!, New Cards, Stories from The Bar, Uncategorized | No Comments »

The Bicycle Circus

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

I joined a circus once. I needed a ride, and it was going my way, and Kaytea was in it, so she introduced me and I worked really hard and they fed me whiskey and kept me dirty and at the end of it all, Kaytea and I were go-go dancers.

body-vs-bike-modsIt’s called Cyclecide, and someday I’m gonna hang with them again. They make crazy-cool bikes; one of which breathes fire. They also make rides out of bikes. It’s fuckin’ awesome.

The other night, seeing Fenbi play at the after-party for the Nanda (also circus folk) show reminded me of my circus days.

So, as a tribute to the Bicycle Circus, I posted another bike card, for the Bike-Kids of the world to hit on and reject other Bike-Kids with. I hope you like it.

And don’t forget! I’m going to be at The Fenbi Show tonight at 8pm @ The Ash Street Saloon! I’ll have new “The economy sucks” Snarky Cards! It’s gonna rock and roll!

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Posted in Bikes, Hot Sexy Time!, New Cards, Place I'll be, Places We Love, Snarky Cards, The Circus | No Comments »

Fenbi Show: Inauguration Day @ the Ash Street Saloon!

Monday, January 19th, 2009

Hey, Internet, I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be at the Fenbi International Superstars Show tomorrow night, at The Ash Street Saloon Show starts at 8pm! For those of you who don’t know, Fenbi Fuckin’ Rock.

This is from their St. Patricks Day Show. They don't always look like fuckin' Leprechauns. But they're pretty hot Leprechauns, aren't they?

This is from their St. Patricks Day Show. They don't always look like fuckin' Leprechauns. But they're pretty hot Leprechauns, aren't they?

They’re 4 hot guys who write their own Rockin’ Irish Drinking songs; mostly about drinkin’ and fuckin’. The songs are hilarious, and high energy, and by the end of each one, you’re usually raising your glass and singin’ along, or throwing it down so you can get at the dance floor.

I’ll be there, and I’ll have new Snarky Cards to sell to all you fuckers. -New “The Economy Sucks” cards are here!

So come and celebrate this new world where our President is black and smart, and not a jackal-sell-out; by getting wasted and dancing your asses off while cute boys sing you some Rock ‘n’ Roll.

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Posted in Hot Sexy Time!, New Cards, Place I'll be, Places We Love | 2 Comments »

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