Posts Tagged ‘bars’

Snarky Cards and Tour De Fat!

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Tour De Fat was amazing. It was so amazing, I’m writing about it right now, instead of having sex right now. Which I totally could be doing. With a cute boy. Who is totally waiting for me in bed. So, I’ll make this quick.

I love Tour De Fat! It was so much fun! The beer was yummy, and the drunk bike addicts were really nice! The circus folks were entertaining and the band rocked! They were really happy to see my cards! And I made enough money to pay my rent this month! I’m gonna see if I can go to another Tour De Fat event in a few weeks, and I’m gonna see if I can go to other beer festivals too. So if you have a beer festival that you plan or participate in send me an email, and let me know when and where. I’ll show up with my cards, and my typewriter (Bob) and m

 I thought I’d be able to go out and sell after my day, but I was hoarse last night. And I had a hard time moving my legs. And my head. And talking out loud. And then I thought I’d be able to go to the Folsom Street Fair today. But I was too tired. And then I thought “OK, well, go sell at Zeitgeist at least”.  But it turns out, when I have to be charismatic and loud, and write custom cards about people’s deepest darkest secrets for 6 hours, it takes something out of me.

So today I slept in, and finished my book, and talked to my friend Emily, and ate some pizza, and watched Grey’s Anatomy, and smoked some weed and drank some beer. And then the cute boy picked me up, and took me to his house.

We stopped to make-out on the way. And I got to look at the sun setting behind some sort of Marsh, halfway between Oakland and San Mateo.  It was beautiful. It’s a weird trip so far. It’s like Oregon has somehow set into my bones. And I’m not seeing the landscape the way I used to. It’s haunting me like I’ve never seen it before. And the way the air expands in the fading warmth of September is so reassuring to me, like it was in the summertime, when I was a teenager, and summer was heavy with possiblities. But there’s something more than just the reassurance. It surprises me, this expansive, heavy air. Like my childhood memories were a story I read, and I’m just realizing it might have been a biography.

 My respite felt more like melloncholly than solace. So, when the cute boy picked me up, I tried to be peppy. And so far we’ve had some sex and television and chocolate. Also: he made me a chicken salad. Which, it turns out, I love.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back at the Zeitgeist, being the bad-ass Art Prostitute everyone loves.  So if you’re in the Mission tomorrow night, come get your drink on, and check out some Snarky Cards!

Knocking you Up!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

For those of you who don’t know: I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Post Cards. I sell them from a box that hangs beneath my boobs in bars. And that’s what I was doing last night, at The Ash Street Saloon and Berbati’s Pan.

Fenbi: International Superstars played at Ash Street and it fuckin’ rocked. Just like I said it would. I even danced a little. I think dancing knocked my leg a little sideways, or maybe it was that weed that that homeless guy smoked me out with after the show, but I’m pretty sure that I walked sans limp all the way to the bus stop. It was magical. All of a sudden, my legs both worked, and they moved in tandem, without complaint. I had three whiskeys and a fat blunt in me by then, but even the cold couldn’t touch me, and I was in awe of my own body, working again. I blame Fenbi, for making me wanna dance so bad.

Today, in honor of bodies in general, I posted a new Snarky Card for all you Knocked Up Bitches. I hope you like it!

I betcha thought that you needed some penis and vagina action in order to get knocked up, huh? Nope. It's not true. It's just Jaeger. You drink enough of it, and a baby magically starts growing inside of you. That's why I don't touch the stuff. I stick to whiskey, and I've been baby-free for 15 years.

I betcha thought that you needed some penis and vagina action in order to get knocked up, huh? Nope. It's not true. It's just Jaeger. You drink enough of it, and a baby magically starts growing inside of you. That's why I don't touch the stuff. I stick to whiskey, and I've been baby-free for 15 years.

Oh my life, how I’ve missed you

Monday, December 29th, 2008

In case you don’t know, I sell Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Post Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. I had to stop selling them for the last 3 months because I broke my leg. My leg’s all healed now, and I’m going out to the bars again.

Last night, I went out selling. And this time it really was everything it was cracked up to be. I started at Kelly’s Olympian, where I was remembered fondly by the lovely bartenders as well as the regular booze-hounds. I stayed long enough to hear this really fuckin’ rad band: Thanks, Kipp. The lead singer Dan croons so good I was having some hard-core make-out fantasies before he mentioned his girlfriend. The singing and guitarin’ was so good, I kept listening even as my groupie fantasies were dashed. You’ll dig ‘em too!

I drank plenty, and I showed off my new cards to the drunks and ne’er-do-wells. There were lots of cute boys, but none of them threw any cheesy lines at me I wasn’t expecting, so closing time came at The Matador, and I hailed a cab, blissfully alone.

It was a wonderful night. I made my quota of money, and I felt so grateful for my life. I get to sell my art, in bars, to my people. Who all think that I’m rad. The night was made more awesome by all the compliments I got on my Sexy New Boots (pictured above).

I posted some new cards, out of general gratefulness to the Universe for providing for me so well. Take a gander, you might like whatcha see. And thank you, for making my Awesome life of Art and Debauchery possible.

The Snarky Card Chick Goes Back To The Bar!

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

Tomorrow night, my friends, The Chapman Swifts are playing at McMenamin’s Rock Creek Tavern and they’ve graciously agreed to take me with them! I’ll have all the new Snarky Cards on me, including new Hanukkah and Christmas cards!

So, if you want some good drinking, and good music and some Snarky Cards, come on down!

I still need a crutch to stand, and I wouldn’t be able to go out selling at all if it wasn’t for the graciousness of the glorious Chapman Swifts! You’re gonna dig these guys for real.

I’ll leave you with a picture of Trixie: The Bike Who Threw Me. She’s the reason I’ve been depriving you of your alcohol-laden Snarky Cards. She’s the reason I broke my leg. She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?

Granny Panties Craft Bazaar!

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008
Hot Toddy at the Victory!

Hot Toddy at the Victory!

I’m going to be selling at the Granny Panties Bazaar! It’s on Saturday, November 29th, 2008 at Victory!, which is a bar in SE Portland: 37th and SE Division. The bazaar will be going down from 11am-4pm. So even if you have a rollickin’ good time the night before, you should still be able to make it.

And bonus for you, Imbibe magazine named Victory! one of the “100 best places to drink in America”! So there will be lots of good booze, and some really good fuckin’ food (Victory Venison burger oh my!) while you browse the Holiday Goodies.

Last year there were a lot of cool clothes, jewelry and knitted stuff in addition to the Snarky Cards. So you might be able to do the bulk of your Christmas shopping all warm and boozy.

There will be 14 other vendors there, selling crafty stuff! I’ll have the Christmas Cards, as well as about 30 new cards to show off. If you want to get your Snark on for Christmas, meet me there!