I’ve been sick. Very, very sick. Struck down by the cold that won’t die. And so I have been huddled in my house, a shivering mass of snot and achy bones. My friends have sensed my pain from afar, and have been calling to tell me news of the outside world.

K-T called last night. She was drunk. K-T only ever calls me drunk. Which is awesome, and hilarious. You never know what she’s going to say. “Aparently, My sisters is going to have a masculine child.” She announced. “What?” I was startled. “Lizzie’s knocked up?” K-T took another drag of her cigarrette. “Yup. Since September. Apparently, little Zola is going to be a boy.” I was confused. “Zola? Is that what she’s calling it?”

K-T started getting mad. “No! That’s what I’m calling it! Remember when Lizzie used to say that if she ever had a baby she’d call it Gargonzola? She thinks I’m making it up, but you remember, right?”

I remembered. And I posted this Snarky Card today, to celebrate Lizzie’s knocked up-ness. Welcome to the world, little Gargonzola. Don’t mind Aunt K-T. She’s a little wasted.

Snarky Card Chick at The Chapman Swifts Show

In case you don’t know, my name is Alisa Starr and I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Post Cards. I sell them in bars, from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. Although, lately I’ve been home sick.

For the last few days I’ve been in the thrall of a dark, horifying cold.  My life has consisted of stuffing garlic down my throat and drinking cupfuls of Emergenc and Catnip tea in between naps. I also tried the wet sock trick, which I saw on OPB a week or so ago. It totally worked! The trick goes like this: You run a pair of socks under hot, hot water. Put the socks on. Put dry socks on over them. Go to sleep.

The theory is: your body wants to dry the socks. So, it’ll raise your temperature while you sleep, thereby clearing your sinuses, and helping you get better faster. It totally fucking worked. I woke up, every morning, groggy, with dry socks and a little less mucus plugging up the back of my throat.

So, tonight, I will be going out into the world to bring you new cards. There will be lots of drinking of orange juice! I’m sure I’ll be going to Kelly’s Olympian, and from there, I plan on going up to Muu-Muu’s and perhaps The (first) Matador.

In the meantime, here’s a birthday card to tide ya over:

Whether it was a drunken one night stand, or someone you've been sleeping with for a while, it's their birthday. And they had sex with you. Don't they deserve a card?