Me, slingin' my Snarky Cards

Dear Internets,

My name is Alisa Starr. I make Snarky Cards: Brutally Honest Greeting Cards. I sell them in bars from a box that hangs beneath my boobs. They will crack you the fuck up.

This Sunday, Red Light Clothing Exchange is having their annual Naked Shopping Party! I’ll be slinging my cards, with my typewriter, and my boobs. There’ll be a band, and prizes. I mean, prizes that are not just “win all the clothes you can wear” which is, of course the big prize.

People have been asking me what the deal is with this Naked Shopping Party.  The rules are simple: everyone shows up with clothes on. The biggest prize offered is  that you can win all the clothes you can put on at once. Obviously, it’s easier to fit more clothes on, if you start off naked. If you’d like to shop naked, you put your name in a box and the delicious and delightful staff at Red Light draw the names of 2 boys and 2 girls from the box.

And they shop. And everyone else shops too. But they shop naked. And the rest of us get to watch. How rad is that? While we’re watching the naked shoppers, I’ll be typing up new and custom Snarky Cards. I’m excited about partying it up, and writing some new shit for your horrible and hilarious sexual situations. There will also be lots of Snarky Undies for those of you who haven’t gotten a pair yet.

So, if you wanna celebrate Easter the way Weed Jesus would want you to, come on down to Red Light, to get your custom Snarky Cards, your Snarky Undies, and your voyeur on.

See ya then!

Love,

Alisa

Here are a few pics of my boobs, and me, typing cards on my typewriter. The money in my cleavage was a tip someone gave me for a custom card. This is part of the reason why I call myself an Art Prostitute. Because I kinda am. I act slutty so people will buy my art. And sometimes, the slutty isn’t an act. It’s all very charming, and winsome.

Next week, I’m going to San Francisco, where all the weird racial tension of Portland can seep out of my bones, and the Mexican food will make me strong. I’ll be surrounded by girls that come in middle sizes (Portland girls are mostly anorexic. I don’t know if that just makes big girls seem bigger, or if this is a town that is addicted to it’s extremes). And all single men in San Francisco are not either very, very sad or sociopathic alcoholic sluts. Some of them are normal guys who are just not in a relationship right now. Finding a guy like that in Portland is like finding a hipster with a job, or a unicorn, or something else so rare that the concept of encountering it in person boggles the mind, and makes you question your belief systems.

It’s going to be fucking awesome.

But until I leave, I will be enjoying all of the awesome Portland has to offer. And there’s a lot of awesome going down.

On Thursday night, September 17th, Fenbi will be playing at The Dublin Pub, starting at 9pm. The Dublin Pub is at: 6821 Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy Portland, OR.For those of you who never read my blog, I love Fenbi. I think that they are one of the greatest bands in the world. They are amazingly hot boys, who play the dancin’est music ever. Every single time I hear them, all I wanna do is dance. It’s sorta Irish Rock (like U2 but, you know, really good) and you should fucking check them out.

Beer, boobs, crafts, music, and probably some hook-ups!

On September 18th, Friday afternoon, Voodoo Doughnuts, Music Millenium, Greyday Records and Belmont Station Brewing Company will be hosting a party at NE Voodoo Doughnuts at: 1501 N.E. Davis from 3-7pm. I’ll be there with my typewriter, and so will a lot of other cool kids. Lots of other local crafters, and local bands. Beer, doughnuts, live music, sexy crafts and Snarky Cards. Who could ask for anything more?

Betsy The Great!

On Saturday, I will be teaming up with Betsy The Great,  at The Alberta Art Hop. So, go to Alberta street, park and then look for Betsy and Iya Deigns, or listen for the sound of my typewriter. Either one will lead you to the funniest, sexiest moments of your Saturday.

And after The Art Hop, on Saturday night, I’ll be hopping along to hear The Illustrious and Amazing Ivy Ross strum her guitar. When you  listen to Ivy, your whole life gets better. She’s like the vocal equivelent to whiskey. She’s playing from 7-10 pm @ The Waypost: 3120 N Williams Ave. Portland, OR 97227

So, that’s the news people. If you wanna get some of me, or try out some of my tasty co-horts music/crafts/sexy jewelry, there are plenty of chances this week! Get down or be square.

May all your wet dreams come true!

While I have recently found a deep and abiding comitment to Vagina Spiders -which is to say that I’ve decided to not have sex for so long that my Vagina dries up, and spiders move in and build cobwebs there- I understand that not all of you have had ENOUGH! Like me.

And really, I’ve had sex with, like, 83 people. It’s like I’ve been doing a marathon, and no-ones fucking chasing me. So my poor Vagina deserves a break. So don’t feel badly for me, or her. Just enjoy the fruit of our endeavors, and I will keep making these breathtakingly horrifying cards for you from the dredges of my experience.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I get that my comitment to Vagina Spiders is newfound, and singular. And I want all of you to be having sex. Not just sex, but Great Sex! So I give you: The Great Finger-bang!

I hope you enjoy it! And for anyone who wants a custom Snarky Card tomorrow, I’ll be at First Thursday, at NorthWest LoveJoy and 17th Avenue from 4pm until 9pm. I hope you get laid!